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Player: United  docford Subject: Jokes

2006-12-27 22:19:02
We all could use a few funny (clean) jokes to read in between our games!-
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1England  jonny__b2006-12-27 22:34:11
not reallly so much a joke but I find this funny:

Say the word beer can out loud.

Now say it again and say it without sounding like a jamaican saying bacon.

2Portugal  viriol2006-12-28 10:58:06
I also find this funny (even though not everybody does):
The directors of world-wide known beer companies went to a bar. The director of warsteiner says:
-Guive me Warsteiner, the best in the world.
The director of Veltin's says:
-I want Veltin's, the best of all.
The director of the portuguese Sagres asks for coke.
-Why don't you ask for your beer - the others ask.
-If nobody is drinking beer, I won't drink either.

3Cambodia  adamh1towins2006-12-28 19:01:10
I think this funny: What did the cow said when he saw a lion in his way? The answer is moo!!-

4Portugal  viriol2006-12-28 19:58:38
Indeed one laughs...
In Portugal we call that a dry joke, however...:P

5United  docford2006-12-29 04:35:04
A man went to visit a friend and was amazed to find him playing chess with his dog. He watched the game in astonishment for a while. "I can hardly believe my eyes!" he exclaimed. "That's the smartest dog I've ever seen."

"Nah, he's not so smart," the friend replied. "I've beaten him three games out of five."

6Portugal  viriol2006-12-29 09:19:13
Here go two:

American say: "We have George Bush, Stevie Wonder, Bob Hope and Johny Cash."

Portuguese say: "We have José Sócrates, no wonder, no hope and no cash."

7Portugal  viriol2006-12-29 09:20:16
2nd: do you know how you put an elephant in a fridge?
Open the door, put the elephant there and close the door...

(also "dry")

8United  Stretch2006-12-29 10:41:24
Did you hear about the xray technician who married one of his patients? All his co-workers wondered what he saw in her?-

9Portugal  viriol2006-12-29 10:45:40
now somebody would say:
"George, king of the jungle called every animal in the jungle for a meeting. They all went but one, which?"
Answer: The elephant - he's stuck inside the fridge.

10United  Stretch2006-12-29 10:55:02
3 Blondes, 51 Days

Three blondes walk into a bar and ask the bartender for three shots of tequila. He looks at them and says, "OK," and pours their shots.

They all clink glasses and and yell "51 days!" Then they proceed to slam the shots, looking very self-satisfied.

They look back to the bartender and decide to order another round. This time they pick up the glasses again and, more gleefully yell, "51 days!"

The bartender finally can't stand wondering what they are talking about and asks them what they mean by 51 days.

One of the blondes looks at him and says, "Well," looking very smug, "we just finished a jigsaw puzzle. It took us only 51 days. And on the box it said 2-4 years!"

11Portugal  viriol2006-12-29 11:02:26
A portuguese, an english and a french guy go to a contest of arrow-shooting.
Three miles away there was a guy with an apple on his head.
When the English guy shoots, the arrow hits the apple right in the midle.
"I'm Robin Wood!"- he shouts!
When the french guy shoots, the arrow hits the stick of the apple.
"I'm the king of the world!"- he shouts.
When the portuguese guy shoots. He hits the man's head.
"I'm sorry."- he says.

12Cambodia  adamh1towins2006-12-30 01:30:44
2nd: One day, a guy took his girlfriend to Burger King. He ordered two burgers for his girlfriend and himself. And he also ordered some onion rings for himself. After they left the burger king, he want to kiss his girlfriend but she won't let him."I just don't get it?" the man talk to himslef.-

13Singapore  Branz2006-12-30 10:15:29
Buried Lawyers

Q: What do you have when 100 lawyers are buried up to their neck in sand?
A: Not enough sand.

14United  docford2006-12-31 04:28:09
Why didnt the skeleton go to the party?

he had nobody to go with!

15United  docford2007-01-01 20:27:35
A man and a woman who have never met before find themselves in the same sleeping carriage of a train.
After the initial embarrassment they both go to sleep, the woman on the top bunk, the man on the lower.

In the middle of the night the woman leans over, wakes the man and says, "I''m sorry to bother you, but I''m awfully cold and I was wondering if you could possibly get me another blanket."

The man leans out and, with a glint in his eye, says, "I''ve got a better idea... just for tonight, let''s pretend we''re married."

The woman thinks for a moment. "Why not," she giggles.

"Great," he replies, "Get your own darn blanket!"

16United  Stretch2007-01-04 18:27:52
Here's a thinking joke, I think

Three Labrador retrievers (chocolate, yellow, and black) are sitting in the waiting room at the vet's office when they strike up a conversation.

The black lab turns to the chocolate and says, "So why are you here?" The chocolate lab replies, "I'm a pisser. I piss on everything, the sofa, the drapes, the cat, the kids. But the final straw was last night, when I pissed in the middle of my owner's bed."

The black lab says, "So what is the vet going to do?"

"Gonna give me Prozac," came the reply from the chocolate lab. "All the vets are prescribing it. It works for everything."

The black lab then turns to the yellow lab and asks, "Why are you here?"

The yellow lab says, "I'm a digger. I dig up flowers and trees, I dig just for the hell of it. When I'm inside, I dig up the carpets. But I went over the line last night when I dug a great big hole in my owner's couch."

"So what are they going to do to you?" the black lab inquires.

"Looks like Prozac for me too." the dejected yellow lab said.

Then the yellow lab turns to the black lab and asks what he's at the vet's office for. "I'm a humper," the black lab says. "I'll hump anything. I'll hump the cat, a pillow, the table, firehydrants, whatever. I want to hump everything I see. Yesterday, my owner had just got out of the shower and was bending down to dry her toes, and I just couldn't help myself I hopped on her back and started humping away."

The yellow and chocolate labs exchange a sad glance and say, "So, Prozac for you too, huh?"

The black lab says "No, I'm here to get my nails clipped."

17Netherlands  Yenman2007-01-04 18:54:21
This is not a joke, it was really on Belgian TV.

A TV reporter is at the street and a couple is passing by. The reporter tells the couple:
"I ask each one of you three questions, and if you both give the same answer too all three questions independently you win € 1000." The woman goes away and the reporter asks:
"First question. What was the last time you had sex?" The man: "last night".
"Second question: with whom did you have sex with?" "With my wife of course."
"And the last one: where did you do it?"
The man, ashamed: "In the kitchen, but it was the first time only."

Now the woman answers the three questions. She had the first two questions right. Now comes the last question: "Where did you have sex?"
The woman: "I wouldn't tell that on TV." The reporter: "But it's about € 1000". The man: "Come on, I already said it." The woman sighs, and said "Allright... from behind!"

18United  Stretch2007-01-04 19:04:54
OK, Yenman! Now you've opened up a whole new avenue
Yes, I heard thet she ansered, "Where was it?"
with reply, "In the arse"!

19United  Stretch2007-01-04 19:10:47
Or, "In the pooper!"
too funny for most words!

20Belgium  viermaaldomi2007-01-04 19:13:07
Actually Yenman, that WAS a joke. You're describing a fragment from 'In de Gloria',possibly the funniest show ever on flemish TV. The show is made in the form of 'reality-TV', which is why some people like yourself mistook the jokes for real life situations.-

21Belgium  viermaaldomi2007-01-04 19:20:17
You're right Stretch, she answered 'in mijn poep'. On the show, they repeated the part where she says 'in mijn poep' three times, so I'm surprised you didn't realize it was a joke, Yenman.

By the way Stretch, I didn't know that 'In de Gloria' has been shown on US TV. Did they show the entire series or just this fragment?

22United  Stretch2007-01-04 19:24:01
Didn't see the show. I guess my fertile mind made it up coincidentally with the show!

aside: If any of you folk believe that one, I've a plot of land in Florida to sell you at an unbelievable price

23United  Stretch2007-01-04 19:36:39
Did you hear the one about three horny ol' men sitting around on their computer telling wishfull thinking copulation inducing jokes? -

24United  Deltamethrin2007-01-04 23:19:36
Well its nice to hear some real jokes rather than the one liners from the Christmas crackers or were they lines from the London papers? Todays London one liner was What's round and bad tempered? Answer a vicious circle so I guess that about the worst pun!-

25Portugal  viriol2007-01-05 18:50:57
I find these funny, but they're real announcements at churges' entrances in Portugal:

For as many among you who have children and don't know, we have a sapace prepared for children.

Remember in your prayers all those who are tired and don't trust our parish.

The parishs's bascket tournament continues with next wednesday afternoon's match: come and support us, as we try to defeat Cristo Rei (King Christ).

Please put your offers inside an envelope, together with the dead people you want to remember.

The priest will light his candle. The diacon will light his and will then light, one by one, every faithful in the first line.

The price of participating in the meeting about "praying and abstinence (of eating)" includes meals.

The group for recovering trust in ourselves gathers on Thursdays at 7 pm. Please use the back door.

Dear ladies, come to the charity sell. It's a good way of getting rid of things you don't need. Bring your husbands.

The "mummy's" group gathers tomorrow. Anybody willing to belong to this group, please meet the priest at his home.

Today's sunday school subject: "Jesus walks on the waters"; Tomorrows: "Looking for Jesus"

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